Already got asked if we're dating
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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