he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
