i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
