Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
