I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize