dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize