the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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