I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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