nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
