I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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