And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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