i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
