hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
