Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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