I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
