She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
