sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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