So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
