listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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