he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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