My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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