btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize