Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
