singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
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