im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You made out with two different species that night
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
