Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
