Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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