i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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