Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
