don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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