Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
