I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
