My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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