You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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