if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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