You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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