i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
