all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize