I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize