I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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