You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish I could teleport
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
