so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
