How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
