totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
