When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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