Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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