dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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