census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
