So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
