My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
