i permit you to call me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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