I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
