I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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