Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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