Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just threw up on my dentist
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
