Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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